Gavin Newsom Commutes All California Death Sentences
Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) commuted the sentences of all 548 people currently on California’s death row, claiming “state-sactioned killing is incompatible” with our shared values. What do you think? “The state should only sanction murder outside our country.”…
Spurning Point, USA
The post Spurning Point, USA appeared first on The Onion.
Nation Grateful Russell Brand Rape Conviction Requires No Separating Art From Artist
THE NATION — People from across the nation are grateful that Russell Brand’s latest rape and sexual assault convictions do not require them to separate the art from the artist, confirmed sources. “We’re using the terms ‘art’ and ‘artist’ as loosely as…
Katherine McKnight and Mark Clegg
Surprise, surprise, the heavyset bearded groom is doing a black silicone wedding band. The post Katherine McKnight and Mark Clegg appeared first on The Onion.
Stephanie Poulin and Liam Shea
The bride and groom let all their friends know they have ice sculpture money Saturday. The post Stephanie Poulin and Liam Shea appeared first on The Onion.
Natalie Olivera and Sara Berry
The couple were wed in a small private ceremony attended by their loved ones and the vacationing Dutch family they had drunkenly invited the previous night. The post Natalie Olivera and Sara Berry appeared first on The Onion.
Pope, Bob Dylan Silently Play ‘Mario Kart’
The post Pope, Bob Dylan Silently Play ‘Mario Kart’ appeared first on The Onion.
Poll: Most Conservatives Support White Genocide When Shown Actual Policies
WASHINGTON—Despite overwhelming initial resistance to the concept, a Pew Research Center poll released Wednesday found that most conservatives supported white genocide when presented with its actual policies. “While the words ‘white genocide’ were…
Interior Department Approves Plan For Trump Commemorative Eagle
WASHINGTON—Hailing the patriotically modified bird of prey as a must-have for any supporter of the president, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday it would soon issue a Donald Trump commemorative eagle. “Whether you’re a raptor…
New Generation Clarifies They’re Fine Not Having Own ‘Cat In The Hat’
WASHINGTON—Explaining they had no deep-seated desire to “discover” the Dr. Seuss character, a new generation of moviegoers told reporters Friday that, actually, they were fine not having their own Cat In The Hat film. “No thanks, we’re all good,” said…